Beautiful Beast Page 2

  Desperate times meant desperate measures. Thus, he had reinstalled his Grindr a few weeks ago. He had refreshed his pictures, paid for the extended version, and connected his Instagram account. When in Rome and all that. It had been stupid. Looking for love on Grindr was like ordering a vegan dish in a steakhouse. You get wilted lettuce and a few sneers from the patrons. He knew that. But what was one busy guy to do?

  His Grindr profile said looking for friendship/relationship. He had wrinkled his nose, adding his height, weight, and the usual vers/bottom tag. It felt like a contradiction. I want a real relationship, look at my face, I am 178cm, here’s a full-body shot of me only in tights, and I love ass play. As if anyone ever found a real relationship that way. There must be men out there looking for the same thing as I am, he reminded himself.

  He opened the app and scrolled for a while before putting the phone aside and pouring himself a glass of white wine. He was free tomorrow. No harm in getting a little buzzed before a lonely night at home. He gulped some of the wine and giggled as he caught himself humming the soundtrack from Bridget Jones. He might even dance in his pajamas with the bottle in his hand. Maybe later. Aaaall by myyyyyself!

  It took seven minutes for the first dick pic to arrive. What was the point of tags and profile descriptions when nobody respected them anyway? It was a nice cock, fat and long. Kevin wondered for a second if it was real or stolen from the web. Then he blocked brutalpegger69 and answered two “hey, stranger” messages. How original.

  The dark-haired, clean-cut type called isaacinthewest was at least funny. Kevin messaged with him back and forth for twenty minutes until his wine glass was empty. Isaac (if that was his name) suggested a beer on Thursday, and Kevin was carefully getting excited.

  isaacinthewest: Btw, I have a husband, but he works in Oslo, and we’ve been open for years. Hope that’s not a problem?

  Kevin suppressed the impulse to reply that yes, that is a huge fucking problem, you dumb fuck.

  K_rose: Sorry, but I’m not looking for anything casual.

  isaacinthewest: Pity. U’r hot.

  Kevin didn’t bother replying again.

  Fck_god83: Hi, beautiful. Show me your hole.

  Stefan-44-top: Hi.

  Stefan-44-top: Playing hard to get?

  Stefan-44-top: Fuck you.

  Kevin gulped more wine. This was useless. He was getting nowhere. He should close the app and watch some porn instead. He could get a little drunker and get out the dildo.

  Another message. Annoyed, he opened it, giving the app one last chance.

  j-j-son: Hi Cinderella, you probably don’t remember me, but I found your boot earlier today. Then I saw you dance on Instagram. I know I’m probably out of luck, since you live in Helsinki. Are you in Gothenburg for a visit? Just wanted to tell you, you are altogether too lovely. I wish you could be the one to save me from ever having to use Grindr again. Joakim

  Kevin blinked. Then he read again. His missing Doc Martens. The little girl in the shoe store. He tried to remember the guy. What did he look like? He was tall, with a short beard. Other than that, Kevin hadn’t noticed much about him.

  How the hell does one reply to something like that? The picture didn’t show the man’s face, only a sculpted back and a vague outline of a profile hidden in a shadow. There was no information except for the top/vers tag. Kevin switched to Instagram. One new follower, a Joakim, with a private profile. It must be the same guy. Kevin’s request to follow back was approved immediately—the man was still online and active.

  Kevin clicked on the first photo he found that showed the man’s face. Sweaty and dirty, cheeks red from exertion, the man was pointing at the sunlit mountain top close behind him. The grin on his face shone with such open excitement it made Kevin’s heart beat faster. A man who smiled like that couldn’t be a jerk. No way. The tagline said:

  Made it. Five hours descent in front of me. Send helicopter.

  It was from last October, Ordesa National Park in the Pyrenees. Joakim was probably in his mid- to late thirties, with a tanned, weather-beaten face, crooked nose, a distinct scar over his left eyebrow, and intense, dark eyes that lit up with kindness when he smiled. His short, neat beard had a few gray streaks in it, which excited Kevin to no end. Joakim wasn’t handsome at all, at least not in the conventional way. His features were too irregular, his lips too thin, eyebrows too thick. Yet there was something… Kevin couldn’t put his finger on it. The man in those photos was intriguing.

  Scrolling down the images, Kevin looked for the one detail that would weird him out. There had to be something. There always was. But Kevin didn’t find any weird captions nor any narcissistic vague-posting.

  Kevin paused at the pictures from trips to the mountains and islands; Joakim hiked a lot. Norway, Iceland, Slovenia, Portugal, Corsica, the Swedish national parks, and of course, Gotland. Kevin found surprisingly few selfies and very little skin, considering Joakim was openly gay—the rainbow flag in his bio was prominent—and he took care of himself. Didn’t all the gays take daily selfies? Gym selfies? Brunch selfies? Frolicking-in-the-city-streets-with-other-hot-guys selfies? Not that Kevin did daily selfies himself… Hm.

  Joakim was tall and wiry with square shoulders and rugged hands, and his buzzed hair was thinning on the top. In some images, he wore black-framed glasses and a white dress shirt—work attire? He probably alternated between wearing glasses and contacts. A distinct tattoo of a fern curved down his forearm, the tip pointing toward his pinkie. A fern. Kevin thought of the deep dark Swedish woods, endless fields of blueberry shrubs, and moose. He wondered if that was why Joakim chose the tattoo design—from devotion to the Swedish nature. He liked the idea of it. He liked it a lot.

  He clicked on the message icon and typed.

  K: Hi Joakim. I’m not sure I mind Instagram stalking. It’s the whole point of the app, isn’t it? I moved back to Gothenburg a few months ago, just forgot to change my bio.

  He waited. No reply. Dammit! He stared at Joakim’s message on Grindr and then at his reply on Instagram and realized his mistake. He should have ended with a question. If you want the conversation going, ask questions, dummy. Should he add one now? Would that seem too eager? Should he copy-paste his answer to Grindr? But he didn’t want anyone else to approach him there. He’d had enough for one day. He’d wait. If the guy meant what he wrote, he’d reply. If it was just a bunch of lines, then good riddance.

  Why wasn’t he replying?

  Kevin stood up from the kitchen chair he had subconsciously sunk into before. He put the phone aside decidedly, found a reusable cork in a drawer, and put the wine bottle back in the fridge. Suddenly, he felt sober and hyper. Luke had left him with most of the kitchen equipment, and Kevin needed to sort out what he was going to keep and what was going to the charity shop.

  Last autumn, Kevin had moved in a hurry. He’d begun practice almost immediately and never gotten around to unpacking all his worldly possessions. The past few months, he had lived out of two suitcases. It annoyed him and made him feel even lonelier than he was. It was time to stop procrastinating and create a proper home for himself.

  Tomorrow, Luke was going to help him to move his stuff from storage. He might as well start reorganizing now, since sleep wasn’t happening for a while.

  He worked diligently for twenty minutes, trying not to think of the message too much. He failed. It was all he could think of. When his phone dinged, he jumped and almost dropped the old easy-mix he was holding. But it wasn’t an Instagram notification; he could hear that.

  He put the easy-mix on the counter and looked at the screen.

  Luke: 16:30 okay tomorrow? I know it’s late. I’m sorry. I have a seminar until four.

  Kevin: 16:30 is great. I have a bunch of stuff I need to sort through before.

  Luke: Awesome. I’ll pick you up.

  Then another ding. This time, Luke sent a picture. He was sitting on a sofa, Marcus cuddled underneath Luke’s arm, hand lifted in a wave. Liam sat on the other side, leaning close to Luke’s face, smiling into the camera.

  Luke: Liam and Marcus say hi. You’re joining us for dinner on Monday after rehearsals. ;)

  Kevin: I’d love to. Thank you.

  He sent his reply and scrolled up to look at the picture again. They were lovely together, and the smile on Luke’s face said everything Kevin needed to know. His friend was finally happy. Life worked in the strangest ways sometimes.

  Another sound tore him out of his reverie, and this time it was him.

  J: I might have come on too strong. I figured you’re in the city just for a few days, and I am out of luck anyway. I’m going to take my chances and stand by my earlier claims. You are lovely, and I hate Grindr. Will you save me?

  Kevin grinned.

  K: I’ll do my best. I don’t know if it will be enough, though. I haven’t even managed to save myself yet.

  J: Batman never saved himself either, but look how many others he rescued!

  K: His love life sucked. Not sure if he’s a good example.

  J: True. Let’s keep the expectations realistic, then. If we save each other in the end, it will be a pleasant surprise.

  K: Sounds good to me. What are your realistic expectations?

  J: We message for a while, and if we like it, I’ll take you out for a drink or dinner, and maybe, if we like that, we kiss?

  K: Realistic enough. Phase one—messaging. What do you do for a living, what’s your favorite food, and what do you hate the most about Grindr?

  J: I invest in tech start-ups and help them grow. Japanese, genuine Mexican, Indian... I can’t choose. Unsolicited ass-pics from teens.

  J: Sorry. Too much? I didn’t want to weird you out this early.

  K: Jesus. Teenagers? Not too much, just r
eal. Happens often?

  J: Not too often. I had a chat with a guy like that a few days ago. He was seventeen. I made the mistake of trying to be real with him. I might even have highlighted the risks of his behavior online. He told me to fuck off. Said he was looking for a Daddy, not an actual dad. Hence, I keep deleting and reinstalling the app like the rest of us. What do you hate the most about Grindr?

  K: Yeah, I hear you. I deleted and reinstalled a few times as well. I hate the superficiality of it, the gross straightforwardness on one side and the pretense and manipulation on the other. I mean, we all want sex. That’s why we’re here. But being open about wanting more than sex makes us less desirable. And all those “I’m married but he doesn’t mind,” “I live with my ex but he’s away tonight,” “I have two kids but getting a divorce…” I mean, whatever floats your boat. But I feel like a unicorn—actually single and actually looking.

  J: There are people who want the same. I even think most of us want the same—to feel loved and needed. We’re just bullshitting ourselves in various ways.

  K: And now I made it too heavy.

  J: I like that you’re honest. It’s rare.

  K: So, honesty. No closet boyfriends? A husband?

  J: Nope. Single. I don’t even have a dog. More’s the pity.

  K: Want a dog?

  J: Yes, but my schedule is not dog-friendly. You? Dog or cat person?

  K: Dog, cat, rabbit… Anything is welcome as long as it loves to cuddle. I used to foster a cat. His name was Puma. He was black as the night and so clingy. He slept curled up next to me every night. He stayed with us for eight months before the charity found him a forever home. I didn’t want to foster anymore after that. It was too hard letting go of him. But one day, once I am settled a bit better, I’ll adopt a cat.

  J: Stayed with “us”?

  K: My roommates and me. I used to live with two colleagues from the theater. They’re both paired off and have moved out. It’s just me now. You wrote you work with tech start-ups?

  J: Yes. A lot is happening in Gothenburg now. Exciting times, especially in sustainable energy and IT. What about your work? You’re with the dance troupe here at the Opera House?

  They chatted until one at night.

  Joakim was something else. Kevin had never felt a connection this strong based only on a few hours of texting and browsing each other’s Instagram accounts. He was afraid to hope Joakim would be as incredible in person as he seemed online.

  Where was the hitch? There had to be something wrong with the guy. Okay, he wasn’t classically good looking. Some people would probably dismiss him completely. Hell, Kevin hadn’t even noticed him at the store. But he had a great body and an interesting face. Kevin didn’t like pretty boys. He wanted a man, a real human being, not a poster boy.

  Joakim was outspoken and attentive, asked plenty of questions, and gave real answers. His mind was quick and his opinions wise, but he didn’t take himself too seriously. He was funny but somber too when the topic called for it. Where was the fatal flaw that always turned up sooner or later? Kevin checked the time—a few minutes past one at night—and put the phone away with a sigh.

  Kevin sank on the couch and let his head roll on the backrest. He still hadn’t recovered from the sleep deprivation of the past few days. The trip to the storage with all his worldly belongings had been exhausting too. He prided himself on being smart and practical. How the hell did he own so much junk? Four big boxes would go to charity tomorrow before he had to return the pickup. Most of the things didn’t feel his anymore anyway.

  It was barely nine in the evening, and he was dog-tired yet jittery.

  “It’s great to see you, Kev.” Luke smiled. He sat in the armchair opposite the couch, his long legs outstretched in front of him. Their humble reward consisted of two beer bottles and a few empty paper containers from a nearby Thai takeaway.

  “Thank you for today,” Kevin said sincerely, looking into Luke’s eyes with intent. “You have no idea how much you helped.”

  “It was just a couple of hours, man.”

  “I know. But it’s different at work—without you. Today it almost felt like the old days, you know?”

  “I miss you too, Kev. But just because I quit the theater, it doesn’t mean we can’t see each other. While I’m in college, my schedule is more flexible than ever. Only Sundays are sort of sacred right now. Liam complains when I’m not at home on the weekends, because he works insanely long days, and his free time is limited. And you know Marcus’s schedule well, since it’s the same as yours. So Sundays mean I’m in Näset. But during the week, I can do whenever.”

  Kevin shook his head. “Marcus and Liam… dude. You are such an overachiever.”

  Luke laughed, his cheeks getting a little pink. “I wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told me just six months back.”

  “And yet you already live with them.”

  “Yeah. I mean, it wouldn’t have worked any other way. We couldn’t date while Liam and Marcus lived together already. I thought it was too fast, but once I got over myself…” He shrugged and smiled. “It’s been amazing.”

  “Happy?”

  “Very. And scared. It’s… hard to explain.” Luke rubbed a hand down his face, looking a little embarrassed, but he radiated happiness. Kevin couldn’t help but grin.

  “I think I get it,” Kevin said. “You’ve always had a thing for Marcus. You hid it well, but we used to live together, remember? And Liam is in his own league, isn’t he?”

  Luke looked down, fiddling with the label on his beer bottle. “Liam is extraordinary,” he murmured, smiling softly.

  “You’re so in love.”

  Luke lifted his gleaming eyes. “With Liam? Totally.”

  “How’s he in bed?” Kevin asked, poking Luke in the side.

  “Nope.” Luke chuckled. “That’s just between the three of us.”

  “The three of you,” Kevin repeated and snorted. “Damn. You greedy bastard. Some of us are single, you know. And you had to hoard.”

  Luke smirked and lifted his beer bottle in a silent cheers gesture. Just then, Kevin’s phone dinged with an Instagram notification. Kevin reached for his phone with a speed that made Luke raise his eyebrows at him.

  “You seem eager,” he said.

  “There’s a guy I’ve been talking to.” At least, Kevin hoped it was Joakim who had messaged him. It had to be him.

  “Local?”

  “Yeah. But he seems to travel a lot.”

  Luke could read his face like an open book. “You look hopeful?”

  Kevin shrugged. “I like him.” He couldn’t say what he really felt, could he? Not without Luke thinking he was crazy. He was fascinated with Joakim, and he felt like they might already know each other. Which was weird and dangerous and naïve…

  “Then what are you waiting for? Check the message,” Luke said.

  Kevin smiled and unlocked his screen. “I didn’t want to be impolite. Anyway, it might not be him.”

  “Shut up and read it.”

  J: How’s the unpacking going? I know you’re undoubtedly up to your ears in practicalities right now. And I am bugging you impatiently. I want to see you again, Kev. Properly.

  Heat climbed up Kevin’s neck. Joakim was so direct in his messages—no pretending or playing hard to get. It was sexy. And intimidating.